I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
