She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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