true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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