I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Im part way to drunk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
