also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
