ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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