I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
