I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
