We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
