I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
