That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i love accidental penises.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
