I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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