Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
