i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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