We need to rekindle our bromance
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
