There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
They took my balls.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
