I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
