Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Less talking, more tequila
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
