Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
