He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
