he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
