hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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