we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
