I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
