who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
