He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is the high leading the old right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
