Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
