I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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