dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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