thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
