He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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