my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
