i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
