weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
