Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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