May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
