perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i think i just lost a toe
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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