i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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