How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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