my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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