halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
