she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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