separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
