I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
