wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
