Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
