if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She told me I should be a condom model.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
