When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
