the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I AM VODKA MAN
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
