He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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