my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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