you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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