Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
