I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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