I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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