I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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