party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
