Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
