It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
