i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
